idk why im writing this. maybe cuz i feel like if i don’t, my head’s gonna explode. it’s weird, talking to a page like it’s gonna fix anything, but whatever. nothing else works, so here i am. woke up today n felt… hollow. not sad. not angry. just… nothing. like i’m here but not really here, u know? like existing is just something happening to me, not something i’m actually doing. my body moves, i breathe, i blink, but it’s all automatic, like some glitchy NPC in a game. i thought maybe today would feel different. i always think that, but it never does. i keep waiting for this magical “better” day ppl talk about, but it’s like waiting for a text from someone who’s never gonna message u back. u stare at the screen anyway, even tho u know it’s not coming. i miss him. god, i miss him so fucking much. i keep thinking if i just wait long enough, he’ll show up. like maybe this is all some cruel joke n he’s just hiding somewhere, waiting to jump out n be like “gotcha.” but nah. he’s gone. for real. forever. idk how to make that feel real. it’s like my brain knows it, but my heart’s still waiting. sometimes i feel like i’m drowning in a room full of ppl n no one notices. like i could disappear mid-sentence n no one would even blink. everyone’s too busy with their own shit, which, like, fair enough. i’m exhausting. even i don’t wanna be around me most days. i relapsed last night. feels gross even writing it. like if i don’t say it out loud, it didn’t really happen. but it did. n i hate myself for it. i was doing okay—well, not okay but like, not that—then it hit me outta nowhere. like this wave i couldn’t outrun. n now i’m here, feeling worse, wishing i hadn’t, but also not sure i’d do it differently if i could go back. idk what’s wrong with me. i just want the noise to stop. i want my chest to stop feeling like it’s collapsing. i want to stop missing ppl who aren’t coming back. i want to stop existing like this. but also, like, i don’t wanna stop existing, if that makes sense. i just want it to not hurt so much. anyway. this is pointless. just words on a page. but maybe it’s better than keeping it all in my head. idk. guess we’ll find out. or not. whatever.
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